Tuesday, February 17, 2004

 

So a lot has happened to me since i last posted... I dont even know where to begin really...
Life is changing... well.. i'm trying to change it.. and it's really odd.. taking everything you thought your life was going to be and completely revamping it is no easy task at all...
I'll start from the start with this one.. yet i won't include everything...
As it turns out... depression.. or some form or it seems to have kicked back in.. and after numerous visits to head and body doctors... well.. i have to make changes..
I may not be returning to commerce at smu in the fall .. I start on anti - depressants tomorrow... and i have to attend a few follow up appointments with both the school therapist missy.. as well as the school clinic.. I"m gonna start on some pills for my 'IBS".. if thats what i have.... I feel closer to my parents... especially my father.. than i ever have... the man is standing by me... even tho i feel like a complete fuck up at the moment... like a failure really.. i let my mind and my anxieties get the best of me... he's standing by me... telling me that no matter what i do in life.. he'll be proud of me.. that he'll support me and always look out for me.... he calls everyday now... just to chat.. to see how i'm doing.. and we talk about many things.. about problems in each others lives.. trying to comfort each other... I"ve never had a supreme bond with my father... we always helped each other out... but there was always a tention.. that i never saw.. but i knew it existed.. but i wouldn't believe it... but now i feel closer to him than i ever have... I always knew that he was a good man.... a great dad... and i always wanted to be a good son... tho i may have crossed him many times.. and i've done shit that he doesn't really approve of... he's now gonna stand by me... maybe one day.. he'll tell me that he loves me... but i know that hard for him to say.. maybe it's a macho guy thing.. but the last time we told eachother that was when i was probably like ... 6 or so.. haha...
and it's yet to be said by either of us.. but i feel it now... all of my family are concerned about me.. a lot more concerned than i am.. do they see a severity in my current situation that i dont? .. even my nan called me tonight.. to talk to me.. to comfort me.. to tell me that if i ever need anything.. she'll be there....
I've been taking all of this into account.. and i'm starting to wake up in a sense...
I have been living in a dream world almost... I watch too much tv i think.. too many movies.. Ever since i was a kid.... i had my own 'character' made up.. who i was... hahaha.. dreamed of silly shit.. like... for instance... i read a lot of comics.. and always fantisized about having super powers.. hahaha.. sometimes i think that i still dream about it.. that maybe one day it will happen...
Since i've started school... i had some idea of how life was gonna be... you know.. suffer thru the hard shit... hopefully one day do something that i love doing... which i have no idea what that is now.... I live a lot in the past... think of my old bonds with friends.. when i was a kid it was with my cousin teddy... my cubby companion chris lucci.. and i think of the girls that i used to have a crush on before junior high... thats one story.. one movie.. my birth to finishing elementary school.. but after that.. shit changed.. i grew... i changed... i became a new character.. i had new co-stars... new atomospheres... my parents were divorced.. so even a new 'set'.. so began the next saga...
This was junior high...
Growing my hair long.. smoking a lot of pot.. drinking occasionally.. but sticking with teh drugs moreso.. skateboarding... skiing like a fiend... i had energy.. but at the same time.. i craved to fit in... until i came to realize that i never would... that every time i went out on the smoking grounds... with my current girlfriend... and my first lay.... i'd get beat up.. day after day... picked on.... anxieties would build up about going there... knowing that i was gonna get hurt.. but i didnt' care.. i was in self denial that they really didn't like me.. that i was a fucking dork.. an over achieving geek... but i lived thru it.. had crushes... had friends.. had good times and bad... it was a movie about growing and learning... ... than came the summer before high school.. the summer in which the next step in my change began... i gave up drugs.. realizing that i was no longer taking them for enjoyment.. but to keep things 'normal'.. if you meet friends thru drugs.. than you have that bond with them.. but i knew it was time to move on... become just a little more real.. so i stopped.. and my long time friendship with bishop came to a hault.. i mean.. i still talk to him.. maybe a coffee twice a year... but it all ended when i stopped having the drugs in common with him... ... that summer i cut my hair off.. dyed it.. and spiked it... .. end credits.
Open credits... High School.. a new character... a new cast.... familair faces.. .. acquitances that i had in the previous two movies... turned into close friendships.. .. my long time buddy bryan.. we started hanging more... i always knew him.. but he was never a close buddy up to this point.. just a good guy that shared the same crew as me.. .. .. I grew apart from mark and jelle.. the other two main characters from the last movie.... and met tonya.. and yvonne... and jess, who was another familair character.. but not a main one back than... but youc ould tell that the bond with me, bry and jess would probably grow.. in time...
Than came the new characters.... Pete, Jay, Jeff, Smelt.. pike (made appearances before.. but not a frequent one).. brad O, ... Cull... and many more... I kenw the faces.. but didnt' know the people.. Grade ten was one for the 'punks' so to say.. me, bry, pike, cream... teamed up with the grunge kids.. pete, jay, jeff.. etc.. and the girls ... and my bonds with my base crew were quickly dimishing... for they were all moving... i just actually remembered them all.. there are so many characters.. i'd love to write a story about it.. talk about tash roy, brent gallant, chris ... umm.. bursey.. thats it.. kate woodhead.. short jessica... and i know there are more.. the frenchies for christ sakes.. i'm just remembering htese kids now.. fuck sakes.. sean o'shea... my god.. i can't even remember where they fit in.. junior high and grade ten i do believe.. it was a complete melting pot... groups merged and fell apart... some went on to form new groups... like hte burkhart sisters.. who were in the base crowd.. were now frequents in the whole 'punk/grundge' crowds.. i really wish i could get htis all straight.. uggh.. i'm off topic.. anyways.. than came grade 11... bands formed.. out of towners became close friends.. such as KC.. and along with him was mark clarke.. whom always lived here.. but i never associated with him.. but i must say.. the band era was a grand one.. jams at petes... and pikes.. having everyone there... having good fucking times.. all of hte fucking time.. sure there was drama.. nothing that i'd even remmeber tho... than came the foriegner's.. donna came first... hooked up with pete... than came ang and debbie.. friends of donna.. became friends of ours... debbie hooked up with various people and ang hooked up with pike... so we were all joined now in one crew.. tho many members of it.. had resentment for others.. and the backstabbing began.. well not really acts of backstabbing.. .. i just ended up seeing one person become quite two faced and insincere a lot of hte time... well a few were like that... and even in school was a riot... we fucking owned it... got away with everything... old rivalries died.. and it seemed that everyone just let bygones be bygones... .. it was grand.. a grand fuckign time... so many stories.. i really do wish that i kept a day to day journal about all of them.. so i could remember.. and just laugh with the people who matter now..
It was all sucha blur.. and all went by too quick.. but we grew.. and moved on... old as the hills friendships died for me... I remember a time when Tracy Hardiman and I were close... even when we didn't get along.. we were close.. but i havn't talked to her in a few years now.. and it'd be pretty safe to say that she wouldnt' have any interest in sparking up a conversatoin anyways.. and i can't see much being said.. both of us changed.. and grew... and just have separate lives now.. same as brad ... used to be close... but moved on.. when i think aobut htis.. it sadden's me sometimes... tho i dont' sit hre and wish things were any different.. it's life.. accept it and move on.. shit changes.. people change... maybe i'll see them all at a reunion... never know..
Now.. Move on to Chapter four... a new movie.. the college yeras.. hahaha.. think of saved by the bell.. there are friendships that will never die.. and ones did... In saved by the bell it was always Slater, zack, screech, jessie, lisa, and kelly... in the college years... the three boys remained.. as did kelly... but what happened to lisa and jessie? .. they fade out.... as did many close friends that i had.. but many moved on as well... bry, kace, jess, mark... all out in halifax.. than along came jelle for a brief period...
Lost touch with kace.. tho we still talk occationally.. lost complete touch with mark... still remained close with bry.. haha.. no matter what we go through or bicker about.. i'd say that we'll always be in eachothers lives... god that sounded gay but you know what i mean.. since pre school right ? hahaha... grew apart from jess in halifax... talked in goose bay..
Than i met new friends... Dave, bilal, and everyone else on my floor.. and a lot from brys... but as the years went on.. only dave remained... the rest are still fucking awsome folk.. but i formed a close friendship with lalonde.. which really ddint' kick in a whole lot till sometime in second year.. and moreso now that we share an apartment..
anyways.. in second year.. angela came about.. and we grew close... considered her one of my best buds... talked to her about a lot.. tho she never really whined to me... no matter how much i bitched and complained to her... my friendship with heather was rapidly dying... and eventually did die.. .. once again i met a floor full of amazing people.. but expected the samething to happen as it did after first year.. no matter how close you were to those people.. no matter how many secrets were shared.. how many times you cryed on their shoulder.. and they on yours.. the only thing that brought us all together was the fact that we lived on the same floor.. when that was no longer the case.. it all faded.. it's almost as if we all forgot what went on.. I mean.. i still remember spending hours and hours talking to danielle, lyndsey and jodie juiced... opening up to each other.. personal shit.. now i have no idea where the hell juiced is.. i think north is in nfld again.. and well.. no idea bout lyndsay... all is forgotten tho.. as if it never happened... odd how that works.. . same thing as second year.. we grew apart when we didnt' have our floor as something in common.. sure i still talk to them.. but we just dont' talk about much anymore... and it drifts more and more as the days go by.. but thats alright.. it's somethign i expected... it's definately a sad tale.. but hey.. thats that...
IN between all of this.. there were my relationships.. i won't get into those.. but people that meant the world to me.. and still do.. and those that i couldnt' care if i even ran into them again.. those are all long stories.. some longer than others... but just soemthing that would take way too long to write about..

Enough of this incoherant and random stories about my past.. that if read by anyone else... may not make too much sense.. well .. maybe to a few..
As it stands now... there aren't too many left..
Here in halifax.. my close buddies... well are still dave.. angela... and hopefully one day .. maybe megan will be able to consider me a close friend..and feel that she can talk to me as one.. as i really hope that i can one day talk to her as one.. and let hte past be the past.. she's a great girl... someone that i always will trust.. only time will tell on that one tho..
and than there are new friends... andrew.. great guy... .. working with him on music... and it's going well.. definately someone that i hope sticks around for a bit.. .. alexis.. tho we've had our problems.. we're slowing starting to talk again.. maybe shit will work out after all.. never know... another one that time will tell... .. and now even Jess and I are hanging out... outside of goose bay... Tho i know she doesnt' really mix her halifax life with her goose bay life.. .it's nice to get to go out for a dirnk with an old friend..
and than there is another.... a story for another time tho...
and than.. there are the ones that i'm waiting for go finally get their asses out here.. hurry the fuck up bry.. shits not the same dude.. and get that lazy assed lloyd to join ya .. hahaha...

Tonight was an odd night.. sitting here and reflecting on the past... not having any idea of what the future now holds for me... a furture that i once believed that was set in stone is quickly crumbling... and i'm grateful for it.. gives me hope that i can be happy ... maybe i'll find a school.. a career.. a life that makes me happy... but all know now is.. that i'm on my way... shit is startin to look up.. and i thank everyone who has and who is standing by me.. the ones who have my back no matter what.. oh here i go.. all sentimental.. i'm gonna call quits to this entry before i get too much into it.. ugh.. dont you just love my tired rants about shite? hahaha..

Travis posted this at 1:22 AM.