Monday, January 26, 2004

 

ah my.. .its early in the morning... well late at night.. and here i am.. sleepless.. and irritated... and for no reason... my head is killing me.. but thats caused by my 'severe sinus infection' .. but ill get over that...
but lately i've been feeling odd...... but it's a slightly familiar feeling.. and i dont' fucking enjoy it.. ..
i can't sleep
i can't concentrate
i'm irritable and very easily annoyed
I have lost interest in things that i used to love doing... things that i still love doing.. but ... it's gone again.. punk shows... drinking....playing tunes... ETC... things that used to make me smile.. i feel nothing.. blank... ..
my mind is obsessed once again with the thought of death (not as an escape) but as a reality.... not taht i will soon.. but i just feel uneasy about it again.... ...
i never wanna do anything anymore... just fucking sit there ... doing nothing... just fucking existing.. without really existing..
so i have to wonder... why is this coming about? why do I seem to not care... For instance.. school.. something i was doing so fucking well at last term.. i couldn't give a sweet fuck about again... i fucking lost it.. i had control... but i know i lost to fucking depression once again...
i was told once by a doctor that i can't fight it... it's not all in my mind.. and i can't fucking cure myself... but i always thought that i could... and i'll still fight.. but now i'm not just hurting me.. i fear that i may be hurting those around me...or that i will somehow... ..
this friday... i MAY.. not for certain.. but There is a possibility that i'm gonna head down to the clinic... and i'm gonna 'talk' again...and i'm gonna get some fucking help.. or well... at least find out if i need it..
but i hate the idea... first off... i hate the idea of being ... a fucking basket case... ....... taking to a 'shirnk' ... and i hate the idea of not being able to fix myself by myself... .....

I probably sound like a fucking twit... talking like this... ... but i have to get it off my mind.. i can go into so much detail of all the thoughts just fucking whirlwinding around this fucking skull of mine.. but at the moment i'd prefer not to.... ... not right now... i just hope i can get better... that i can fucking care what happens to me.. cause right now.. i fucking don't..
i'm not angry... i'm not sad... i'm not happy... and i'm not anything... fuck it.

Travis posted this at 12:32 AM.